"So I ask what the hell am I doing drinking in L.A?"
Bran Van 3000

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone, hopefully you've remained sober this long and can spare a few moments to see a preview of how your night could turn out this evening.

No one likes to party more than a celebrity, they have all the cash in the world and enough problems to put a therapist's family through university a dozen times over. When you combine fragile celebrities with alcohol it always makes for a good time and in honor of St. Patty himself, here is a taste of the best drunken celebrity moments to celebrate this joyous day!


JAMIE FOXX



He's one of the top actors in Hollywood today but in 2005 his career was almost eaten alive. While filming the movie "Stealth" in Australia, Foxx and other cast members including Jessica Biel decided to go swimming at 1am in the ocean after having a number of drinks. Seems fairly safe, have a few drinks and go for a swim. Well you see in Australia, their oceans are full of something we common folk refer to as a sharks and between the hours of midnight and 4am, it is considered "feeding time" for sharks. You could say he had about as much foresight as Ray Charles on that excursion.




ASHLEE SIMPSON



You know those nights when you know you've had a bit too much to drink and you've done so on an empty stomach? You need to grab some food and at 1am, McDonald's is about as good a place as any to satisfy that hunger. While on a press tour in Toronto last year, Ashlee Simpson stumbled her way into the McDonald's on Bloor, just east of St. George and attempted to order something. Thankfully a number of Toronto patrons were on the ready and filmed the entire drunken incident with Ashlee and everyone on the internet got a chance to see it. This was a step up for Simpson on the humiliation scale and this came only a few months after completely bombing on "Saturday Night Live" during her lip sync fiasco and then being booed at the Orange Bowl in January of 2005. I guess I'm making certain concessions for my picks, as I did say these are Celebrity drunken moments. Well, her sister is a celebrity.


NICK NOLTE



This guy is the poster child for drunken behavior. Nolte's most famous run in with the law over excess liquid in the gullet came in September of 2002 at where he was arrested for driving under the influence. His mug shot has become one of the most popular of its kind and even started a theme of "Mug shot coffee mugs" on the Jimmy Kimmel show and believe me, there was a ton of competition for the role of worst mug shot (a topic covered a few months here) but Nolte stands above and beyond the rest.


OZZY OSBOURNE



Geez, picking a drunken moment for this guy is like picking a porn scene for Jenna Jameson to sum up her career. The guy is walking time bomb just waiting to explode. He has fully admitted to taking Vicodin on an almost daily basis (yeah the stuttering isn't a gimmick folks). Back in 1984, Osbourne was partying it up on the world famous Beale Street in Memphis, Tennessee when he was arrested for public intoxication and was described in the police report as "staggering drunk". Well at least the law taught Osbourne a lesson, a shining example and role model of what a night in jail can teach you, if you drink long enough and hard enough...you will end up with a hit TV show.


JOSHUA JACKSON



The funny part about this story is that the grown up "Charlie Conway" was actually arrested for a hockey related incident. Jackson was attending a Carolina Hurricane hockey team (which explains the need for excess alcohol, so I'm already in Jackson's corner for whatever his actions were) and decided to engage in a physical debate with the security guard at the RBC Center. Jackson was arrested and taken to jail where his alchol level registered at 0.14 (the city limit is only 0.08). As if the security guard didn't have it coming, you mean to tell me Jackson was provoked by a couple of "quack" chants by the security, it was Jackson's right to go a little District 5 on their ass (that's pre Mighty Ducks baby). Where was Fulton when he was needed?


BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG



What could this man possibly have been arrested for?


SCOTT STAPP



The former lead singer for Creed has had quite the year and we're only 3-months in. Stapp's most recent alcoholic adventure took place less than 24 hours after his wedding (always a promising sign for the marriage when one half is already hitting the bottle) when he was arrested at LAX international airport for public intoxication where his blood / alcohol level was at 0.18 (legal limit is only 0.08). Charges were recently dropped for Stapp on account that he's still technically considered a public figure. He is currently in the middle of a nasty lawsuit after a sex tape with himself, Kid Rock and 4 women were released and one of the women in the tape is suing Stapp due to "emotional distress" (what are you thinking is going to happen when you appear in a sex tape with not 1, but 2 CELEBRITIES?? Dumbass). But that story is not even the tip of the Scott Stapp iceberg (Stapp is running for some vodka after hearing that word) as his biggest drunken moment came during a concert in the summer of 2003 where performed drunk to the point that fans filed a class action lawsuit against Stapp for his terrible performance (sure, blame it on the alcohol).


TARA REID



I swear, this girl used to be hot...in 1999. Tara Reid has unfortunately suffered a bobsled career, going downhill super fast with rock bottom coming last summer when some %$&'d up pictures of her and Paris Hilton surfaced on the internet showing that Tara has put on weight, gotten super drunk and super NOT HOT in the process.



The culprit behind "Taradise" (how cute) has actually sunk faster than Carson Daly since their breakup (and losing any sort of celebrity contest to Carson Daly is reason enough for professional help). Tara Reid is like that hot girl in high school that would never give you the time of day and now you go back to you're high school reunion and she's all over you and you're like "Yeah...whatever....CAUSE THIS IS MY UNITED STATES OF WHATEVER" (That will be the final pop culture reference to Liam Lynch EVER!).



HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY
jopo