Last week we ended off here at 15:01 getting set to roast some modern day celebs, who quite frankly just don't deserve screen time. As I got set to write this week's column it dawned on me what the calendar was quickly approaching to: HALLOWEEN



Now for me, Halloween is arguably my favorite time of the year with a
combination of crazy costumes, free candy and most importantly seeing just how boring some of the people around you truly are.

Every year we get the same run of the mill costumes. Tommy is going as a ghost, Timmy is Dracula, Stephanie is a Princess and Sammy is the devil (notice no kids ever dressed up as Jesus?).

Being a self-centered ego maniac, I have always used Halloween as a time to come up with a weird costume and as I run through the archives here @ Jopo HQ, you really see a pattern between Halloween costumes and the expired celebrities I rag about every week. As you look back at the different costumes you wore over the years, how many times do you find yourself a) laughing at your decisions and b) wondering whatever the hell happened to __________ that you dressed up as?

Here's a little look into my cast of forgotten celebrities that a young Jopo adorned over the years.

A COMPUTER
Okay we'll start off with a completely irrelevant costume but one that is worth noting. In second grade I had this great idea to dress up as a computer. I'm talking a giant computer box on my upper body with a keyboard drawn on the front with a cardboard mask to resemble a computer screen. Geek? Well I have a ribbon that says 1st place for my school's costume contest for 1992 to confirm that. Word to the wise, when it's really cold on Halloween, it's tough to put on a jacket when you're wearing a giant box!

KELLY GRUBER



Yes, once upon a time #17 for the Toronto Blue Jays was my favorite baseball player and he was my Halloween costume for Grades 3 AND 4! I'm talking Blue Jays uniform, cleats and even that smeared on crap you put under your eyes (what the hell is the point of that anyway?).

I, like many Torontonians became a huge Jays fan in 1992 during the big World Series run and while everyone "ooh'd" and "awe'd" over Roberto Alomar, I was a die hard Gruber fan. During the 1992 playoffs, Ed Sprague weaseled his way into the lineup and the phasing out of Gruber began.

Gruber would later face harsh criticism after being placed on the DL. He was spotted water-skiing and the photos ended up in all the local papers.

Gruber had a run with the California Angels and then faded off into the sunset after a bone spur in his spine. He attempted a comeback in 1997 with the Baltimore Orioles but couldn't crack the team. He now lives in Texas and owns a bar.

O.J SIMPSON



I was a young 11-year old 5th grade student and there was one man dominating the news and that was O.J Simpson. The former Buffalo Bills star was on trial for the death of his wife Nicole Brown and it was a turning point in the history of American media when it came to 24-hour coverage.

That year I felt it was necessary to use my Halloween costume as a
reflection of pop culture, which this trial had become a part of. So with the help of a cap gun, 1 glove that didn't quite fit and a "not guilty" sign on my shirt, I set out for a fun night of Trick or Treating.

After being the center of the media 10-years ago, Simpson is barely on the radar in 2005. As Hollywood reported a number of weeks ago, Simpson is now selling his autograph for a ridiculous fee (which is really creepy that he's now making money off a period of his life that gained him the most fame).

I'm surprised he hasn't been on "The Surreal Life" yet because he looks poised to grab any $$ he can at this point. I guess one could say that by releasing a book, doing millions of interviews and capitalizing at every corner back then and not pacing out his career that he...jumped the gun? I know, too easy.

"STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN



The year was 1997 and wrestling was huge at this time. Now I have no problem stating that I was and still am a big fan of professional wrestling. The one guy behind the wrestling boom of the late '90s was Steve Austin (not the 6 Million Dollar Man) whose routine of chugging beer, giving the middle finger and quoting the bible made him a household name that brought the WWF to a height it had never seen before.

Austin is a bonafide "star", though for fans watching in 2005, the act is terribly old and is clearly living on past glory. The last "big match" left for Austin is expected to happen next April at "WrestleMania 22" when Austin takes on Hulk Hogan.

Now to say my costume was low rent would be an understatement. I had a rubber head cover to get the bald effect and if you're going to go as "Stone Cold" you needed to have the Austin 3:16 shirt. The problem was these shirts were impossible to get up here in Canada so with the help of my black T-shirt and white electric tape, we have an Austin 3:16 shirt in time for 10/31.

We are now entering "JOPO: The High School Years" and many would hang up the trunks so to speak and sit back into a "candy hand outer" role at this time in their lives, but not me. In Grade 9 I had grown quite a disdain for a particular industry in downtown Toronto:



If you are a driver in ANY city, this has got to be the most ridiculous form of making a buck that one can dream up. ANYWAY...I grunged myself up looking like a kid outta Seattle and set to the street in shorts, the flannel sweatshirt (tied around the waist of course) and my squeegee. Let's just say I was a big hit with drivers (or at least they tried).

At this point in my life Halloween started to drift away, like a young love that has moved on. For 2-years, I greeted Halloween as a day to "reminisce" and "look back". Then in 2001, we got back together! And we went for a "safe" area: WRESTLING



Oh it's true.

Complete with little league gold medals from soccer and official Kurt Angle T-shirt I took to the streets with a group of friends (who didn't dress up...making me the official "loser" of the group).
Prior to joining the WWF in 1999, Angle legitimately won an Olympic gold medal at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta for wrestling. Upon coming to the WWF, he made an immediate impact with his promos that were out of this world and geeky character that got over with fans.

In keeping with the character, I felt it necessary to run up to each house for candy and cut a promo. I may have been the oldest, I may have been the lamest but if one 5-year old went home telling their parents about a lunatic 17-year old spouting off the 3 "I's" then I can look into the mirror proud. (Of course I then put that 5-year old in an ankle lock and stole his candy, to stress the importance of "Intensity").

I hope you have enjoyed this little stroll down memory lane that I have provided. As you look back at the costumes you have worn over the years you will quickly realize that the candy you collected last night probably lasted longer than the celeb you were representing that night.

AND I WANT TO SEE SOMEONE DRESSED AS JESUS THIS YEAR!

jopo