Daily - Afternoon-armageddon

1. Rock the Bells 2012 Line-up Features Kid Cudi, Nas, Ice Cube, Rza Plus Every Rapper in the Known Universe

   May 16, 2012
   Posted by Joel Buxton

   

   Hip-hop festival Rock the Bells has announced its official line-up. Promoters for the show have claimed that the line-up is the most comprehensive in history, featuring every rapper in the universe, living and dead.

   

   A-List performers who have confirmed appearances include: Kid Cudi, J. Cole, Nas, Wiz Khalifa, Lupe Fiasco, Ice Cube, Salt-N-Pepa, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and Rza. On top of these household names, you can expect to see the following rappers:

   - MC Rarely Skips Breakfast
   - De Nominator
   - Slim Full Darkness
   - MC Redditor w/ DJ Downvote
   - Pap Sneer and the Shatpack
   - DJ Demonstrative
   - L’il Peen
   - Baby Baluga and the DB$ea
   - The Beastie Boy
   - Lza MnLi
   - Somersault Configuration Squad
   - Gr@teful Ted
   - Robert Munsch’s Ghost
   - Young If-You-Pleezi

   The full list, which will be printed on a roll of paper that stretches into infinity, will be released later this week.

2. Yahoo Failed To Perform Google Search On Disgraced CEO

   May 14, 2012
   Posted by Joel Buxton

   

   Yahoo announced that four-month-old CEO Scott Thompson would be stepping down, following the discovery that he padded his resume with fake credentials.

   “I don’t understand how it got by us,” said Yahoo Chairman Roy Bostock. “We did a thorough Yahoo search, and all that came up were Kids in the Hall videos from 2007. Who knows, maybe we should have used the far-superior Google engine for the background check. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20.”

   

   Despite the fact that Thompson’s dubious resume claims are somewhat common knowledge in the business realm, Yahoo.com returned no record of his shady past. Because Yahoo sucks pretty bad at anything more recent than a decade ago.

   “Listen, you want to find a Geocities user, the website for the movie Space Jam or MIDI files, you go to Yahoo,” added Boystock. “Everyone knows that. But we realize that in some areas, such as web-indexing, image searches, maps, analytics, email and news, Google is slightly better. I just hate those guys so much.”

3. Masseur Union Changes Name To ‘The John Travolta Harassment Shelter’

   May 11, 2012
   Posted by Steve Patrick Adams

   
   Another masseur has come forward with allegations of sexual harassment against John Travolta. A Chilean-born cruise-line masseur was apparently accosted and offered $12,000 for sex, an offer which he politely declined.

   Two anonymous massage therapists have already come forward with allegations against Travolta, giving the star of Saturday Night Fever, the official title ‘The Rub and Grab Bandit’.
   
   The allegations have yet to be substantiated, but in the mean time, here’s a list of his movies titles that aptly describe the scandal:

   Wild Hogs
   A Love Song For Bobby Long
   Be Cool
   Get Shorty
   Domestic Disturbance
   Broken Arrow
   Blow Out
   The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

   It has yet to be confirmed whether any of the movie titles will be used against him in the snowballing lawsuits.

4. Vidal Sassoon Dies; Millions of Rabbits Relieved

   May 10, 2012
   Posted by Joel Buxton

   

   Following the official announcement of Vidal Sassoon’s passing, his personal collection of experimental rabbits were released into the wild.

   “Vidal would have wanted it this way,” said Chief Animal Tester, Jorge Witmer. “While he was alive, we needed the rabbits so we could rub chemicals into their eyes to make sure vain humans wouldn’t be harmed by our products. But now that he’s gone, what’s the point?”
   
   Sassoon was famous for his line of hair products, all of which could not have reached consumer’s heads if not for his sizable collection of helpless animals. “We shoot hairspray into the nasal passages of a lot of different animals here at the labs, but the bunnies were Vidal’s favourite,” recounted his personal secretary Terrence Ipsy. “The way they would sneeze, or choke to death, it was so adorable. He really loved them.” It is unknown whether the release of 4.5 million rabbits into a small suburban forest will disrupt the local ecosystem, but Sassoon’s supporters applaud the decision.

   “Releasing these deformed test animals all at once in one place is the best way we can think of to mourn the passing of a great man,” said Ricky Blinkin, President of the ‘I Heart Vidal’ fan club. “He was a man who showed women all over the world how ugly they are without spending hours altering the features that they were born with. The world will seem like a less shallow place without him.”

5. North Carolina Bans Same-Sex Marriage: Gay Hopefuls Instantly Turn Straight

   May 9, 2012
   Posted by Steve Patrick Adams

   

   This past Tuesday, North Caroliners voted in favour of Amendment 1, banning same-sex marriage and civil unions. The bill is considered an attack against homosexuals by numerous groups and there is much evidence to suggest this is true. Since Amendment 1 passed, gays and lesbians have been turning straight in record numbers. Like some magical spell being lifted, homosexuals have awoken from “the gayness” to embrace the opposite sex “as God intended”.

   

   One former gay, Blake Barley, described the event as a very immediate transition: “I was gay all my life, and then that amendment passed and it just made me realize that I wasn’t actually gay, and that I like God instead of other dudes”.

   Blake’s story and many others suggest that the possibility of having gay marriage is what makes people gay, and that amendments like the one North Carolina passed will save ‘merica.

   The End