The Rejected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
February 7th, 2013
With yet another Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie on the horizon, it’s clear that the heroes-in-a-half-shell continue to enjoy their cult status. The Bite.ca Laugh Archaeologists had a chance to raid the Ninja Turtle archives in New York city, and found some startling documents. Among them was a record of rejected turtles before they settled on the four we know and love.
Van Gogh was ultimately toned down to become Raphael, the team bad-ass. The original concept was that Ninja Turtle Van Gogh suffered from schizophrenia and had difficulty differentiating between the Foot Clan and innocent people. Rather than eating pizza and skateboarding like his brothers, Van Gogh would cut off parts of his body and scream obscenities at rats in their sewer lair.
Flame Thrower melts the entire world…
Picasso was rejected from the Ninja Turtles for various reasons, but perhaps the most pressing was his love of fire. Obsessed with melting everything around him, a storyline was scrapped where he tragically burned a school to the ground while trying to melt Shredder’s armor.
Cloth with ether causes disorientation and vertigo to enemies…
Escher was to be the turtle who was constantly high on acid, and would teach children about how unimportant physics are. While the other turtles were attacking the Technodrome, Escher was building a never-ending waterfall.
Sharpened Jack Pine
In a nod to Canadian culture, Tom Thompson from the Group of Seven was included as a Ninja Turtle. However, his chronic shyness, self-effacing humor and love of universal healthcare didnâ€™t jibe with the other personalities on the team. Then he died mysteriously in a canoe in Algonquin Park.
Sharpened Baguette, Croissant-shaped throwing discs
Monet didn’t make the cut because he could only speak French, and kind of acted like he was better than everyone even though his country hasn’t contributed much to the world other than the metric system and striped shirts.
BONUS: FOUND FOOTAGE
As a bonus, we also found this video of a missing scene from the original Ninja Turtle movie: