7 Reasons J.J. Abrams Will Ruin Star Wars and Your Childhood

January 25th, 2013

7. His track record is less than stellar.

Abrams does good work, but never great work (Star Trek is debatable). Star Wars requires nothing but the best, especially after the three most recent entries hosting all the grandeur of a kid throwing up cotton candy at a traveling fair. Abrams has yet to churn out anything you would consider a classic, especially if you turned your brain on halfway through the last Star Trek entry.

6. When it comes to all ages sci-fi, his record is worse.

Super 8 was shaping up to be the 21st century’s Goonies or film of the same ilk, though that certainly wasn’t the case. It was like the cheesy elements of an 80’s epic were forcing itself into the story where they didn’t belong. A drunk father who doesn’t approve of the protagonist’s dreams? Get out of this decade, asshole!

5. Do you really want one guy with so much control over the two biggest sci-fi properties?

The battle between Star Trek nerds and Star Wars geeks has been raging for over three decades, and now one director will see over them both. For diversities sake, the two worlds should remain separate. Star Trek has already received the populist spin to make it less hardcore bureaucracy and more action and daddy issues. Star Wars is already in that vein and with the same director, we’re sure to get something similar.

4. The Last thing Star Wars needs is more bad CGI, Abrams’ bread and butter.

People are sick of mediocre CGI, and the film industry does not give two cares. Abrams is no stranger to this particular brand of SFX and so it’s safe to assume we’re in for another glossy, cartoon-ish Star Wars with a look that’s merely a couple steps above Roger Rabbit.

3. Star Trek was no stranger to plot holes.

“Spock, I’m the villian, and I’m going to go back in time to kill a young you for not saving my wife!”

“Villian, why not go back in time and save your wife?”

“I don’t know, ask director J.J. Abrams.”

2. Lens Flare

I love the lens flare in every film he’s directed, but everyone else and their cousin hates it. If Abrams directed Episode V, he’d have managed to fit in a lens flare in the pit of the worm beast the Millennium Falcon lands in.

“Leia, grab a flash light and point it near the camera.”

“Why Han?”

“Just do it!”

1. Each episode will end with a cliffhanger and the final movie will give no concrete answers

Referring of course to the [spoiler alert] end of Abrams’ precious TV series, Lost, J.J. didn’t write the ending; instead, he allowed it to happen which smacks of a negative quality I can’t be bothered to describe.


Abrams may ruin Star Wars, but in a surprising twist for anyone still reading, I think he’s the best candidate for the job anyway. Cue angry comments.