Scrooge Was Right: Top 5 Reasons Christmas Sucks

December 18th, 2012

Most of us have drunk from the proverbial eggnog punch and bought into the whole Christmas, er, thing. But what is so great about it anyway? Here are 5 things that absolutely suck about the holidays, no matter how hard you want to convince yourself otherwise.

What do you hate about Christmas? Leave us a comment or tweet it to us @BiteTV.

5. Dealing with that tree

Whose idea was it to chop down a tree and decorate it as a giant symbol of consumerist greed? It’s such a pain to lug that thing home and set it up, and then when you’re done with it, you have to carefully remove all the ornaments and then drag out the dying tree to the curb. Environmentalists must throw a fit every holiday over how many pines are tossed away like yesterday’s garbage.

4. Christmas themed beverages lead to diabetes

Christmas is the time when all those sickeningly sweet specialty coffees start brewing. Sure, they’re delicious – but that’s just another indication that they’re no good for you (remember, if it tastes good, it’s probably bad for you). Here are the stats:

    -A medium coffee without any milk is only, at maximum, 5 calories and contains no grams of fat or carbs.

    -A medium peppermint mocha is 330 calories, 8 grams of fat and 60 carbs (that’s without whipped cream).

    -A medium gingerbread latte is 250 calories with 6 grams of fat and 37 carbs.

    -A medium eggnog latte is 460 calories, 21 grams of fat and 53 carbs.

All those holiday beverages are equal to an extra half-hour on the treadmill. Why not just spare yourself the health risk and just stick to coffee, huh?

3. If you work on Christmas, you get paid extra!

(Note: Ok, this isn’t a thing that sucks about Christmas, but it is a benefit to NOT celebrating the festive holiday)

Why bother wasting time receiving a bunch of crap you may never use when you could be earning some extra cash? Not only is money a necessity for survival, but a couple of extra bucks from working on a holiday means you can just go out and buy exactly what you want for Christmas – that way, you avoid the inevitable disappointment of opening up what you think is a Wii U but turns out is a box of shirts.

Also, seeing it’s Christmas, most customer service jobs will see a severe lack of customers (they’re all at home opening gifts under the tree like suckers, while you rake in all the monies to pay off your tuition). If you work in an office, the holiday break is the perfect time to come in and get a head start on paper work without being disturbed by your annoying co-workers.

Plus, hard work is its own reward.

2. Family is not as magical as it’s made out to be

Sure, in the movies, when families get together they look all joyful and triumphant. Everything from the decorating of the tree to the Christmas feast is oh so magical when everyone is together for the holidays. In reality, family gatherings are usually a time when criticisms are aired and fights ensue.

These are some of the culprits you may encounter at your festive family gathering:

    -Drunk uncle

    -Overbearing aunt

    -Emo cousin

    -Smelly grandma

    -All the aunts and uncles who aren’t blood relatives

1. Santa Claus is not a ‘Saint’ by any means

Christmas’ poster boy is, by no means, worthy of the hero worship we give him. Sure, he gives out toys to all the good girls and boys, but that really f***s up the economy! If everyone is getting stuff for free, then no one is spending, allowing money to flow back into the economy and creating supply and demand.

He’s also putting people out of work! Take Johnny Toymaker for instance, who relies on the increase in toy sales during the holidays so he can afford to pay his employees and feed his family a delicious Christmas dinner. But with Santa handing out the latest and greatest toys like their condoms at a sexual health center, Johnny won’t be able to afford that turkey his family was hoping for. He may even have to lay people off, just before the holidays. In 5 years, Johnny’s toy business will go under, and his kids will be sold into the sex trade. Merry Christmas indeed.

Not to mention that Santa forces hard labor upon the physically disadvantaged, or “elves” as he calls them, without pay. Animal abuse is also on Kris Kingle’s list of sins, forcing eight reindeer to accomplish a feat that is well beyond their capabilities (flight? Reindeers can’t fly, let alone around the world in one night).