Top 6 Ways To Ruin Thanksgiving

October 4th, 2012

It’s Thanksgiving this weekend in Canada, a time when families get together and take time to appreciate their lives (and eat past the point of comfort).

But there are some simple mistakes you can make that will thoroughly ruin Thanksgiving and get you written out of Grandpa’s will. Take our advice and avoid these 6 common blunders.

6. Bringing Up Politics

It’s a safe bet that your baby boomer relatives will have drastically different political priorities than you. Sure, you could try to explain why The Green Party is a progressive political entity whose policies are far more fiscally conservative than most people realize, but it will only end up in a shouting match, with Uncle Bill calling you a “Spoiled brat who never worked a day in his life”. How dare he, selling bracelets in Kensington is perfectly legitimate.

Do yourself a favour and keep the conversation to light topics, like whether God exists.

5. Asking About Pregnancies

Is there ever a good time to bring up pregnancies? Yes. AFTER THE KID IS BORN. Many of us have busy lives and aren’t good at keeping up on whether our relatives have gotten knocked up. A great way to ruin Thanksgiving is to ask someone how far along they are when they don’t have a bun in the oven. Especially if it’s a male.

4. Mistaking the Tofurkey for a Hot Football

Yes, you like football. Yes, Vegetarians are annoying. But be careful not to mistake the ball-shaped tofurkey your hippy sister brought for something to kick around. And if you throw caution to the wind and get in a little game of kick-ball with that lump of soy, make sure you wash it off. Despite the rumours, Vegetarians don’t like eating grass or dirt.

3. Offering Wine to a Recovering Alcoholic

In these uncertain times, it’s difficult to determine who’s an actual alcoholic, or who’s merely a functioning alcoholic. Therefore, it’s a good idea to play it cool with offering family members drinks. You wouldn’t want them to fall off the wagon and start singing karaoke, would you?

2. Inappropriate Post-Dinner Movie

With a belly full of turkey and that sweet, sleep-inducing tryptophan, it’s always a good idea to retire to the den and watch a movie together. Just be careful with your selection, as a poorly chosen film can ruin a good time. A short list of bad choices:

Naked Lunch
– Any kind of porn, Twilight movies included
– Michael Moore “documentaries”
Vacation videos
– Any film by David Cronenberg
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? edited to include just the scenes with Jessica Rabbit

1. Stopping To Think About Natives

As you give thanks to the pilgrims who tamed this wild land, make sure not to let your thoughts drift toward the segregated schooling, ghettoization of native reserves and purposely infected blankets that helped white people trample this country’s original inhabitants.

It might be a bit of a downer, you see.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Be safe and don’t poo-poo brussel sprouts, they’re tastier than you think!