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What Your Instagram Filter Says About You

by Geoffrey May

September 25th, 2012

Thanks to Instagram, crappy photos look better than ever. Some shutterbugs even apply their favourite filter over every pic they take. What does your Instagram filter say about you?

1. Amaro

What it Does: Amaro is generally used to give a photo an aged, lighter appearance, as if it had been left out in the sun. You yearn for simpler times, before Sir Mix-A-Lot changed our perceptions of big butts. You love the smell of burning leaves and wish that cars were still called horses.

2. Rise

What it does: Rise is a good filter for adding a warm, forgiving glow to any picture. It tends to create a Norman Rockwell, idealistic effect. You always look at the bright side of life and quickly forget any negative experience, such as that time you fell asleep in a garbage can. People say, “Remember Waterworld?” And you honestly, blissfully, can’t.

3. Hudson

What it does: This is a great filter for giving things a cool, icy tone. Great for photographing architecture and outdoor scenes. You purse your lips like it was your job. You saw 101 Dalmatians and were sad that the puppies got away. When you met Hilary Swinton, she found you unusually severe.

4. X-Pro II

What it does: X-Pro II makes colours POP, buddy. Great for adding character to a picture taken in low light. You enjoy rolling around in buckets of paint and eating mangoes. You have an unread copy of Succulent, Wild Woman, but you made a New Year’s resolution to address that failing.

5. Sierra

What it does: Gives a cloudy, dreamy quality to photos You are The Little Prince. You get bit by a snake and die, but to be honest it wasn’t clear whether he lived anyway because of an untrustworthy narrator.

6. Lo-Fi

What it does: Lo-Fi mimics the results of an older camera, simplifying the colour palette and greatly enhancing shadows. Your favourite actor is John Cusack, and you still listen to records. When people ask why you took up unicycling, you lie and say it’s because your bike got half-stolen.

7. Earlybird

What it does: Adds golden-red tones which are reminiscent of old-timey western photos. You fought in the Civil War for the Confederation, and were highly religious. A superstitious man, you believed pepper in your stew made your left leg throb. Your name is General Thomas Jonathan “Stonewall” Jackson.

8. Sutro

What it does: Using burned edges and high contrast, it adds a brooding tone to photos You’ve seen Twilight several times in the theatres and plan to buy an Evanescence album, as soon as you save up enough change from your job as a Ringwraith.

9. Toaster

What it does: Basically makes it look like your photo got burned in a fire. You are the author of Farenheit 451. You get pretty pissed when Michael Moore makes a crap documentary riffing on the title of your story. Books need to go, bro!

10. Brannan

What it does: Creates an ancient, 19th century look to your photos You once had a swim with Shakespeare and noticed his wiener is pretty small for a guy with such big feet. You are generous, reliably giving used corsets to Goodwill every Spring.

11. Inkwell

What it does: This piece of crap filter just makes everything black and white. You once wrote a whole poem about the night-time. You and Michael Jackson have a lot in common other than him being dead and you being alive.

12. Walden

What it does: Enhances light in photos, making babies look good You have a baby and you’re pretty keen to get some photos of that thing.

13. Hefe

What it does: Adds a vibrant and cozy effect to photographs You are one-quarter Spanish and your uncle sailed to the new world in search of adventures and riches. Don’t worry, he found ‘em.

14. Valencia

What it does: Gives the effect of faded quality while keeping the colours rich You bought a cake, then you had it, then you ate it too. Now you’re full and you wish you had a glass of milk.

15. Nashville

What it does: Adds a pleasant, pinkish tint to photographs, like you were taking them through a translucent sheet You are fond of romance and wrote a song about a girl named Emily. If you are a girl named Emily, then there is a sweet song about you on YouTube.

16. 1977

What it does: Like the name suggests, it transports the feel of your photos back to 70s technology, because apparently the 70s didn’t suck. You are a Baby Boomer and now that you’ve retired, you go on cruises and tell people about how your kids are slightly disappointing because they won’t stop going to school forever.

17. Kelvin

What it does: Adds a severe, late-afternoon glow to your photos. One of the trickier Instagram filters to master You love a challenge and make your own pasta using a pasta-maker you cobbled together from parts of an old airplane. You once saved a child from drowning by trapping air under your shirt and feeding him oxygen until the medics arrived. There you go, now you know a little more about yourself thanks to this handy guide. Have fun instagramming and feel free to post your Flickr accounts in the comments section.