16 Bizarre, Hilarious Twitter Users to Follow

September 11th, 2012

There are a lot of funny people on Twitter, 20 of whom we’ve told you about before. But what if you’re bored of one-liners, sarcastic remarks and #hashtag puns? What else is out there? Bite Laugh Scientist and Twitter enthusiast Joel Buxton reached out to our online correspondent Toronto artist Shane Heron to discover some of the most edgy, strange and downright hysterical Twitter accounts on the internets. Here are 16 of his favourites, along with some choice Tweets. Follow us into the abyss and see if your sense of humor can withstand the madness. Fair warning – the language gets a little NSFW, but hey. You’re a grown up.

Jerry Beans (@Dogboner)

SHANE: It’s hard to find out real info on him because he sometimes says he’s 14years old, sometimes in his 30′s, sometimes he writes as if he’s a female, sometimes he writes as if he’s obese, sometimes he has a girlfriend, sometimes he’s married, etc. [Joel: Whoever he is, he's one of the funniest people alive] Some Choice Tweets: “@dogboner: computer: increase volume to 100. computer: execute file ‘tim_toolman_grunt.mp3′” “@dogboner: “Hey.. got a sec to sign this petition?” “Uhh one sec” *retrieves whistle from pouch and blows* *is carried away on a large screeching bird*” “@dogboner: when ever im having a sad day i remember that one time Coolio fell off the stage and his fans took his shoes and his chain and i laugh a lot” “@dogboner: *passes out* *falls to floor* *begins to fart* *farts reverberate against the hardwood floor moving me around the den like airhockey puck*” “@dogboner: #HowToKeepARelationshipWithMe run your car or van into my huge ass several times until i am dead” “@dogboner: Rick: Ahh this is a huge piece of shit. Let me call a friend of mine who’s an expert in pieces of shit. *my phone rings*”

Jon Hendren (@fart)

SHANE: Love, love, love @fart. From what I’ve gathered he lives in the bay area of California and works in an office with @Arr. Unlike a lot of these he seems like a real person and not a character. His convo’s with @dogboner are the best thing on twitter. Some Choice Tweets: “@fart: oh THIS is a PTA meeting? i thought it stood for Partyin’ and Toolin’ Around” “@fart: look at ol’ Nobrand over here. nice lack of a brand you’ve got, asshole. bag cereal-ass motherfucker.” “@fart: hey girl did u get my mixtape? haha yeah i put Stan on there twice. no it was intentional” “@fart: @dogboner hey dude i’m at deaths door. i need you to come to my place and slice my body up so my iguanas can eat it”

CGS (@fightforfood)

Some Choice Tweets: “@fightforfood: They said they were going to do a Rorschach test, but so far they just keep showing me pictures of my hot, naked mom.” “@fightforfood: No, you can’t touch my porcelain dolls. Why would you even ask that?” “@fightforfood: My nickname in high school was “sweet vest, homo.”” “@fightforfood: My “resumé” is just a VHS of me doing karate for 38 minutes.”

Alex Sulkin (@thesulk)

Shane: This guy is great. He’s a writer for family guy. Some Choice Tweets: “@thesulk: Just saw a documentary about Journey. It was pretty good but the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on…” “@thesulk: If I went to the airport and the person I was picking up died in a plane crash, I’d still be annoyed I had to drive to the airport.” “@thesulk: Boy, people who travel really let you know.”

Wint (@dril)

Shane: This guy is great. He’s nuts. Some Choice Tweets: “@dril: #10TurnOns getting lint and crumbs & shit stuck to my back while doig 10,000 sit ups on the unemployment office floor as people trip over me” “@dril: DESPERATELY MASHING MY HANDPRINTS INTO A HUGE WAD OF MY OWN SHIT ON THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF FAME WHILE COPS FILL ME WITH BULLETS” “@dril: i have no idea how that turd got on your ceiling, but it definitely didn’t fly out of my shorts while iwas doing a backflip” “@dril: first off, trees are bullshit”

Deg (@degg)

Some Choice Tweets: “@degg: a hamburger is a sandwich, a hot dog is a sandwich. hell i’ll go as far as to say a taco is a sandwich” “@degg: My rod is small and it hruts.”

Dewey-Ass Homeboy (@Ennui_Raver)

Shane: I love this guy. Mainly because his name is dewy ass homeboy. He may also be @dogboner. But I don’t know. Some Choice Tweets: “@Ennui_Raver: My wrestling intro is me saying “Looks like you boys got PHDs from the college of Pissing Me Off” & then I take a huge bite of a bone-in ham” “@Ennui_Raver: watcheing austin power’s lol” “@Ennui_Raver: watcheing austim powers 2 lol” “@Ennui_Raver: Watcheing audstin powers 3 lol” “@Ennui_Raver: watchieng austin power s 4 lol”

Colin Quinn (@IamColinQuinn)

Shane: You know all about what Colin is doing on twitter. [Joel: Colin Quinn trolls Twitter users by making sweeping, untrue statements, then re-tweets their angry responses] I think it’s brilliant and he’s really found his own little niche. People who don’t get what he’s doing really have just the worst disdain and vitriol for him. One of my favourite things is when he claims (without apology or breaking character) that Will Ferrell stole the Anchorman idea from him. His twitter account is prob the best thing he’s done in comedy. Some Choice Tweets: “@iamcolinquinn: Guess what? I’m not trying to be bitter, but I worked hard to be part of the “system” and now I’m the man! That’s it, that’s all!” “@iamcolinquinn: People come up to me all day “Oh Mr. Quinn, you are the man. You’re the funniest greatest comic ever”. Okay, we get it! Now leave me be!” “@iamcolinquinn: I’m going to jog in the park listening to Semi Charmed Life and waving at all my fans that can’t believe they’re seeing a real celeb.” “@iamcolinquinn: I’m not afraid to say what others won’t: The current national discourse needs to tone down! I find some of the rhetoric to be incendiary!”

Pongu (@killcops247)

Some Choice Tweets: “@killcops247: my dad told me to get a job yeah right a hand job from your wife maybe lmao” “@killcops247: i followed my dad on twitter and he added me to a list called “sons that i dont love” and im the only person on it”

Duke Longjorts (@dukelongboard)

Some Choice Tweets: “@dukelongboard: An online survey to help adopted children find their birth parents, no matter how you answer, at the end it gives you Bill Crystal’s address”

Anthony (@nedroid)

Shane: This guy is great. He’s a cartoonist or animator. Really funny and simple stuff. Some Choice Tweets: “@nedroid: I’m going to wait until lots of ppl get tattoos of my characters, then suddenly make my comic really racist and horrible” “@nedroid: Here is a tip to solve your problems. 1) Buy a pizza. 2) Ignore your problems.”

Party Cop (@PartyCop)

Some Choice Tweets: “@PartyCop: MY DAMN gun came loose in the Water slide and it keeps hitting me in the head all thee way down.” “@PartyCop: SIR do you recignize this? Its a bag of coke. Do U know where I found it? In my pocket. Are U busy 2 night? I need a wing man.” “@PartyCop: From my personel experiance. It doesn not take much to turn a domestic distubence in to a nice kick ass Party.”

Ben Errrrr (@MuscularSon)

Shane: This guy kind of reminds me of @dril. Really just the craziest stuff I could never think of. Some Choice Tweets: “@MuscularSon: oh. just pretend i didnt see u attach an ankh pendant to the puka shell ‘lace i gave u for our one weekf riendship anniversary.” “@MuscularSon: WELCOME TO APPLEBEES MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER. DID U SAY “A PLATE OF SPIDERS” TOO LATE HERE IT COMES. U HAVE TO EAT IT ALL OR WE CALL THE COPS”

Bit Tity-Honkers (@BikiniBabeLover)

Shane: This guy is great too. He has perfected the art of the perfectly placed spelling error. He might also be @dogboner too “@BikiniBabeLover: …. Sigh ..,, do any of my followers have big tottys or good bobes ….” “@BikiniBabeLover: List Of My Hobbys: 1) Respect. 2) Reaspect. 3) REASPECTEING MY SELF” “@BikiniBabeLover: putting special oils on my small dick” “@BikiniBabeLover: *OPENS WALLET UPSIDE DOWN AND MANY COINS SPILL OUT* “OOPS ;)” *I LEAN OVER TO PICK THEM UP AND MY AWFUL ASS EMERGES FROM MY KILT* “OOPS ;)”” “@BikiniBabeLover: holy crap a alien just touched down to earth and asked if he could use my twitter. okay hes typing now. I HAVE A SPACE ZAPPER hes done lol”

Carl (@famouscrab)

Shane: Love this guy too. Again, could be @dogboner. I don’t know but I love it. Some Choice Tweets: “@famouscrab: the sun is now Illegal – hey nice tan jackass your going to prison” “@famouscrab: hi son like my backwards hat? how bout that gerfald he sure eat a lasagna that cant be good for her. anyways bye *rollerblades away*”

Jennifer Graves (@ThatJennGraves)

Shane: I don’t know this lady’s deal but her bio alone is great. Some Choice Tweets: “@ThatJennGraves: My kid asked me if I “do the sex.” I asked how long he’s been talking like a Russian immigrant. Then we stared at each other for a while.” “@ThatJennGraves: If you sneak into my room tonight, pet my hair until I fall asleep, then smother me w/ my pillow… well, I wouldn’t be mad at that.” So there you go, some of the weirdest, funniest minds on Twitter. Hope you don’t have nightmares. Thanks again to Shane Heron for all his help on this article.