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Where Are They Now: Former Oscar Hosts

February 24th, 2012

Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Oscars are this weekend, and instead of Eddie Murphy blowing up buildings with Brett Ratner, Billy Crystal will descend upon us all and prove himself an uncle capable of MC-ing all of our weddings beautifully. That said, there’s been a lot of Oscar hosts and most will live in infamy, so in celebration of the one hundred millionth Academy Awards, we present Where Are They Now: Former Oscar Hosts.

Whoopi Goldberg (1994, 1996, 1999, 2002)

It’s been a big millennium for Whoopi Goldberg, who went from Oscar host to actress to the person on The View responsible for opposing Elisabeth Hasselback. But tired of her role as outspoken comedian, Whoopi Goldberg has used two decades of golden statue power to split her body in two pieces and embark on a space mission in the future, where she serves as bartender on a ship called Enterprise. Currently best friends with Patrick Stewart both in and out of this universe, the two are slated for a buddy comedy called Star Trek Next Generations (1994). Don’t call her Guinan.

Steve Martin (2001, 2003, 2010)

Comedian-turned-banjo-playing-hero, Steve Martin used his recent Grammy nomination to catapult himself into the Grammy inner circle, going so far as to be referred to as “Grammy” by his grandchildren who can’t pronounce the letter “P” (“Grampy”). However, despite his turns in romantic comedies, dramatic roles, a few SNL sketches and afternoons spent down Hollywood Boulevard, Steve Martin now insists on being reminded that he is a “wild and crazy guy.”

Billy Crystal (1985 – 2026, probably)

We just told you. He is going to be on stage being an Oscar host on Sunday. Before that, he was an Oscar host. After that, he will go on to be an Oscar host. Billy Crystal is actually an Oscar.

Ellen Degeneres (2007)

Admitting her hosting gig was all part of an elaborate skit for The Ellen Show, Ellen Degeneres now refuses to speak about her Oscar experience and has attempted to convince viewers and fans that it was all a dream. Now apparently “treating every day like it’s Oscar day,” she awakes to a room full of gold statues and acts surprised every time she opens the mail. “And the winner is,” she begins. “Me, who owes $115 on my cable this month!”

Chris Rock (2005)

Maintaining his persona as an “edgy” comedian, Chris Rock is now sleeping on a pile of money gathered from the success of his comedy career and most recent series, Everybody Hates Chris. He is currently producing documentaries not about the Oscars (or so we’ve been told by Chris who’s been camped out of the Kodak Theatre for three weeks, waiting to score an interview with “whoever is in charge around here.”) His mansions are lonely and have asking him to come home.

Anne Hathaway/James Franco (2011)

Oh boy. Well, after Anne Hathaway failed to sing her way into our hearts at last year’s Oscars, she proved just how wrong we all are by being cast in the new Les Miserables film. Likely securing the part by standing in front of various Broadway venues and singing for smiles, a casting director mistook her for famed stage actress Ruthie Henshall, but Anne Hathaway had signed the papers before anyone realized the mistake. She now insists on being called Fantine.

Nobody knows where James Franco is. His parents are very concerned.