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Animals Are Jerks

February 21st, 2012

A lot of hippies will tell you humans are ruining the planet. They’ll tell you that people are the only animals that kill each other, rudely smash around the ecosystem and screw over other species. Man, forget those stinky vegans – animals ain’t so great. Here are a few of the biggest jerks in the whole Kingdom.

6. Beaver


Humans are the only animal to screw with the environment? What about beavers? Here’s what you need to know about these A-holes. They’re real agile in water, but put them on land and they’re like the Grammys booking Chris Brown to perform: Awkward and annoying.

Straight up, the beaver has to collect a lot of wood to make it’s den, and that’s a lot of time away from the safety of water. So what does an enterprising beaver do? Wreck a whole ecosystem for the other animals, of course. They build a dam, flood the river and, hey presto, a new pond. All it costs is the well-being of EVERY OTHER ANIMAL.

Animals come back and the tree that was their home is under water. Beaver’s like, “Oh, you lived here? OK, now I do. Because it’s easier for me to swim around, you see.”

5. Wolves


Wolf packs follow a strict hierarchy of social status based on size, hunting, and fighting ability. They call the top dog the Alpha. Sounds pretty fair, right? Maybe you haven’t heard about Omega Wolves. Each wolf pack keeps an old, crappy wolf around just to beat on. They give the helpless Omega just enough food to limp along, and kick their asses when they get bored.

The worst part is that the Omega is usually an Alpha male that used to lead the group. Nice reward for looking after the whole wolf pack. Sure, humans have Omegas too, but we call them celebrities and give them a lot of money to get knocked around.  Wolves are just jerks about it.

4. Mockingbird


The mockingbird might be the biggest jerk animal of all. This son of a bitch is so lazy, it slips its eggs into other birds’ nests so they don’t have to raise their own crap kid. The worst part is that mockingbirds figured out that if both types of eggs remain in the nest, the sucker bird will smell a rat.  So what do they do?  They knock all the eggs that belong there onto the ground.  Thanks for raising my son, I’d like to repay you by killing yours.

Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the Mockingbird’s famous ability to mimic sounds. They’re such jerks they never bothered to write their own song, they just copy the other birds and take credit.

3. Orca


Orcas are considered highly intelligent mammals due to their ability to reason, and communicate in complex ways. But they are still massive effing jerks. Sometimes orcas will wander around ’til they find a baby humpback whale, and gang up on it until it’s as dead as Ed Furlong’s career.

That’s not so jerky, they gotta eat, right?  Nah, not really.  They prefer sea lions; the whale was just a bit of malarkey. After eating about a tenth of the whale, they move on, wasting the rest of the food. They are literally the equivalent of punk teenagers, but SO MUCH WORSE.

2. Cats


This list wouldn’t be complete without these admittedly cute jerks: Cats are just general assholes. Probably the most arrogant person in your life doesn’t think as highly of themselves as a stray cat does.

Another highly intelligent creature, studies have shown they mimic pre-verbal infant behaviour in order to manipulate women to do what they want. And if they don’t get their way? They will find your favourite item of clothing and take a poo on it, then hang around and watch you clean up while they wait for a treat. Jerks.

1. Chimpanzees


Most people would choose to fight a chimp over a shark.  It seems like a no-brainer: Chimps are small, and you’d be fighting on land rather than underwater. Advantage human, right?

You have made the wrong choice. A chimpanzee is strong enough to pull a man’s arm off his body. But don’t worry, that wouldn’t happen if you fought a chimp because they want your eyes. They want to pull your face off of your skull and chew on your ears.  Chimps are maybe the most vicious and nasty fighters on this planet.  And that includes UFC.

They know better, man.  They’re so smart, they can comprehend needless cruelty and they’ll do it anyhow.  In fact, chimps are known to engage in “shock and awe” tactics, sometimes raiding competing clans, stealing all their babies, and then eating them in front of their parents. That’s like Hannibal Lector-level jerky, man. Cannibalism ain’t cool.

All of these animals are bigger jerks than humans because at least a human feels bad once in awhile. But we don’t run around murdering children, eating our fellow species, and crapping all over the place. At least most of us don’t.