Snooki Weight Loss Secrets

January 10th, 2012

“You get drunk and then you wake up the next day and are like, ‘Oh shit.’ That happens to a lot of girls, and I got a lot of fan mail from that, being like, ‘Oh my God, I do the same thing, I feel you.'”

Snooki, nailing shut the door that Gloria Steinem pried open, because, you know, it’s kinda drafty in here when you’re only wearing a tube top and Crocs.

We marveled at her ability to walk upright and make chimp-level facial expressions, despite her obvious brain loss; we gasped in admiration as she lost her driver’s license, as a result of losing control of her car and hitting a police vehicle; and now, just when we’re certain she cannot be more of a loser, Snooki craps some fat out.

“I’ve told you before, leopard prints add thirty pounds.”

And thus thousands of oven-basted bimbos are currently wondering aloud (read: texting while mouthing the words): “How the hell did she do it? OMG! Do you think it’s anemones? Anemones, you put them in your ass. What? Yeah, yeah ‘enemas,’ I KNOW, that’s what I SAID.”

Snooki claims it was by using a drug called Zantrex; You could Google to see what that is, but why not assume it’s an euphemism for cocaine? Clearly her weight loss was caused by more than self-medication: the twenty-three pounds she lost is a comparatively huge amount of weight, given that she’s only the height of a small stupid bitch.

“As God is my witness, I will ride that roller coaster someday.”

There are two other possibilities, after eliminating exercise (which requires limbs long enough for articulated leverage): A) she simply washed out the Hawaiian Topic tanning oil that had absorbed into her skin like so much french-fry grease into a paper bag that is wearing a thong from La Senza’s children’s collection, or b) she has a secret diet plan.

Well, I assumed it was the second possibility, because it’s the last thing I wrote. And I assumed it’s only a matter of time before Snooki’s Secret Diet Tricks to Make You Less Grenade-y hits bookstores (her first book-shaped feculence debuted at #24 on the NY Times Bestseller list, which I’m okay with. I’m really okay with that. Moby Dick bombed when it was published, and Melville died destitute, but tastes in literature change. And that’s to be expected, even celebrated, because SHOOTMENOWSHOOTMENOWSHOOTMENOWSHOOTMENOW).

“I also died penniless, despite sketching dozens of young men during spring break for my risque series of lithographs, Boys Gone Wilde.”

So, I called in my connection in the publishing world, and I managed to get a sneak peek at Snooki’s forthcoming addition to the snake-oil-flavoured zero-calorie shit-sandwich that is the self-help industry. I now give you Snooki’s top six diet tricks:

6. Doctor-Assisted Spew Aside

“By bypassing the taste-buds via a thick tube inserted directly into the stomach, one may consume Pabst Blue Ribbon with considerable less discomfort.”

“First, eat whatever the hell you want. Seriously, like whatever you want: Pizza topped with mini pork rolls or whatever crap (not actual crap though it makes your mouth smell like a g-string) and then eat dessert too if you want, Fudgy Wudgies or WHATEVER YOU WANT, or whatever. THE SECRET TRICK: Coconut rum. This is totally true, if you wash this all down with a half-gallon of coconut rum, then that hottie at the Jersey Shore Medical Center Emerge will PUMP YOUR STOMACH FOR YOU! No joke, this is for real – I’ve done it like five times, totally reliable.”

5. Suck Dick for Skittles

“If this ends up on the internet, John, I swear I’ll post all of my Fun Dip photos of you.”

“THE SECRET TRICK: So this one is pretty self obvious, like do I need to explain this? Because cum is very high in protein or some other kind of vitamin (and is AMAZING for the bags under your eyes, pro-tip seriously). And Skittles are fruit, or a fruit substance. So if you stick to just this for a few weeks, the pounds will melt away and you’ll be able to tow a Fiat with your neck muscles.”

4. The Jersey Turnpike

“Of the entire 35-movie franchise, its is generally agreed that the last Human Centipede was the weakest.”

“This is a traditional Italian dance move is probably amazing for weight loss, probably. Even if you’re super drunk and fall down doing it and your boyfriend is all, ‘You’re embarrassing me because everyone can see your fat kookah,’ and he leaves the club and you just cry like a little bitch, that’s okay too because that all uses muscles, because EVERYTHING uses muscles, seriously just look at everyone. THE SECRET TRICK: Grind your butt in the crotch of some juicehead gorilla until he feels your vagina bone, but DON’T DO IT LIKE A SLUT because you’re worth more than that, UNLESS HE’S BUYING DRINKS because the cow ain’t for free.”

3. Hide in a Bush All Night


“I will totally hide in a bush or even pee in a bush or poop in a bush, that’s how I am. THE SECRET TRICK: Crouching requires a lot of thigh strength and there’s hardly anything to eat in a bush, so you’ll lose weight, especially if you poop. IF YOU GET LOST AT NIGHT, don’t freak out. Just follow the cameramen’s lights or look for their faces because they’re PALE (lol). Seriously though, get a spray-tan, camera people. You look like absolute Canadians. They’re reliable in bushes, though.”

2. Water is My New Best Friend

“Get away from him, you whore, and take your temporary paralysis with you!”

“I totally tweeted this a while ago and I swear to God everyone misunderstood me, FML. I didn’t mean I was DRINKING a lot of water (unless seltzer counts – I’m not drinking vodka straight unless it’s off someone’s boobs – it’s too easy to go overboard otherwise). What I meant was that, you know, water is my new best friend. I poured a glass of water three months ago and the water just totally GOT me. When we hang, there is NEVER a problem, and everything between us is sooo good right now, I just really would like to smush once in a while, nothing serious, but I don’t know. Do you think that would ruin it? THE SECRET TRICK: My shrink keeps saying that having a relationship is good for health, which is hilarious because he is so FAT.”

1. Pinot for the Bambino

“We dressed this way ironically, in the hopes of raising awareness about the dire need for American public education reform.”

“As I’ve said before, Pinot is not actual booze, at least not really, so it’s cool for when you’re not drinking or when you’re pregnant. It comes from grapes, so it’s basically a vegetable which means it’s way less calories than cherry vodka, which comes from trees and is different. THE SECRET TRICK: Getting pregnant means you can only drink Pinot, so that automatically super-reduces your calories. Now I totally KNOW that being pregnant makes you blow up into an atom bomb, but you eventually DO lose that weight ladies, I mean think about it. You pump that baby out and bammo, you’ve got your beach bod back again, but now with seriously huge bubbies and that’s IT. Just an awesome body and huge boobs, no sweat. Plus a baby.”

So, I hope you enjoyed this sneak preview of Snooki’s Diet Secrets. And by that I mean I hope you intend to use these tricks, and didn’t just laugh at them like a douchebag. And it would be a douchebag thing to laugh at considering the poor woman had an EATING DISORDER in high school and dropped to almost nothing (you bag of the douche). Eating disorder? So there you go: maybe she hasn’t lost everything after all.