Sigh. Is there any better mode of transportation than a dreamboat? Crush objects can take us to a magical place where all our dreams come true, and our wedding attire is suitably bedazzled. Bite Daily has taken time out from its usual schedule of trying to find cures for various diseases to put the spotlight on overlooked Canadian crushes. Here’s a list of our Top 9 picks. Adjust your swooning attire accordingly.
9. Elizabeth “Busy” Ramone
Ready or Not presented Canadian youths with their own Betty or Veronica type dilemma: Amanda or Busy? Unlike the Archie Comics debate, there was only one correct answer for Ready or Not, and it was Busy. She carried herself with a level of badassery known only to women in Heritage Moment PSAs. That’s the kind of girl you want to take out to a midscale restaurant and give Replacements-heavy mixtapes to (maybe not so much the lady getting jabbed in the brain and claiming she smelt burnt toast).
8. PJ Phil Guerrero
PJ “Phresh” Phil is an approximation of the “first long-term boyfriend” template for 60% of women and men. He’s vaguely punky, your parents probably don’t like him, he may ask your friends for hash, and he seems to spend a lot of time around kids that are half his age. It doesn’t sound appealing on paper, but that’s because- YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND DAD, HE TREATS ME LIKE AN ADULT AND HE KNOWS I’M REAL MATURE. SHUT UP, I WILL NOT CALL SHEILA “MOM” BECAUSE SHE IS NOT MY REAL MOM. I’M GOING TO GO TO PHRESH PHIL’S HOUSE ‘CAUSE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME (*door slam*).
Phil also likes comic books, which is always a plus.
7. Bert and Gert
Nothing says “hubba hubba” like a pair of hyper-futuristic bunnies that have your best interests at heart. Appealing to boys, girls and furries, Bert and Gert are the hoverboard riding rabbits that take care of business and are emotionally available enough to address your needs. Who wouldn’t want to have their hair reassuringly stroked by those ears? Additional Super-Extra-Bonus-Mega Points for Bert and Gert’s ability to dress in a manner that would totally get them laid at a Diamond Rings concert.
6. Tino Monte
Tino Monte is good looking. Suspiciously good looking. Couple that with his aggressively non-threatening persona (Mickey Mouse ties, hanging out with frumpy contestants, living in a world where knowledge of brand name dog food equals life or death) and Tino has a sexy serial killer quality to him. It’s not hard to imagine lovable Tino spending six hours a day blacking out his windows and setting down a “sex tarp”. In the daytime, it’s quizzing secretaries about Nabob slogans, and in the evening, it’s putting nipple clamps on a migrant worker named Terry and quizzing him about Nabob slogans. Needless to say, it’s a unique crush object market.
Additional weird Supermarket Sweep talking point: The way the announcer shouts “Who’s got the Vaseline petroleum jelly?” in the embedded clip will put the fear of God in you.
5. Louis Riel
Riel was a rebellious ”bad boy” for the right reasons. That’s like deep-fried crush object crack right there. He stood up to authority, founded a province and was executed after a questionable trial. This is why most history books with Riel’s face in the Canadian prairies have Lip Smacker residue all over them. His ranking was impacted by his likely unwillingness to take a romantic train ride.
4. The Guy From The Acne Medication Ads
People thought he ate too many “choc-oh-lit-buhrs”, but that’s not true. He was just a sensitive guy that needed someone to look past the surface and see the real… whatever the guy’s name is. You were taken on an emotional journey in the ad. First you meet an emotionally shaken, acne-suffering teen and then you see his zit-free face at the end of the ad. He’s smiling and looking directly into your soul. He knows that while some people taunted him about his acne, you stood by his side rooting for him. It’s important you never tell him about how you mocked his pronunciation of “chocolate bars” behind his back. It will devastate him.
3. Fred Penner
Fred Penner’s not just on the list for his Michael Gross-esque good looks, but also because he pulled you into a magical kingdom of learning and super-intelligent birds. Could Drake teach you French through the magic of song? Yes. But does he care about you enough to do it? No. That’s where Fred Penner’s compassion and attentiveness to your needs comes into play. He will pull you through an enchanted log and make you his sole priority. That’s a grown-ass man, right there. Plus, you could get lost in his sweater for hours.
2. Gloria Gopher
The Monica Gellar of the Under The Umbrella Tree universe, (Revisionist history might have her as the Annie Edison of the Under The Umbrella Tree universe, but that would put her at number one on this list, wouldn’t it?) Gloria Gopher may have been uptight and particular, and a go-go 80′s Reaganaut* and stuff, but she also had vulnerability and magic underneath her fur. Holly was always trying to steal Gloria’s shine, but what Holly didn’t have were those enormous, perma-open eyes. Those eyes told stories that would make Shakespeare green with envy and hot pink with inspiration – he would be “grink”, invented colour fans.
(* Thanks Futurama)
1. Hal Johnson & Joanne McLeod
Who better for awkward young’uns to fantasize about their body needs than the lovable interracial couple that essentially has the owner’s manual on physicality? Hal’s comforting mustache and Joanne’s comforting non-mustache were synonymous with Canadian television, and who wouldn’t want to hold hands with both of them on the way to the park to do some calisthenics? Their smiling faces were a beacon of empowerment and their toned bodies were, in turn, a beacon of hormonal confusion. Their secret off-screen romance made swooning over the couple feel all the more important. Shh! It’s a secret little club built on work and play. We may not be directly invited into that club, but the mind wanders as to what could be possible if we were invited to join the Participaction.
