The Races We Wanna See

July 12th, 2010

This weekend is the Honda Indy in Toronto. For those who like fast cars and big crashes, this is gonna be worth your time to check out. However, a lot of people have criticized car racing, saying it’s not a real sport. Well then, here’s some races that may be worth watching.

Sonic the Hedgehog vs. Road Runner

How it would happen: After speeding along through the desert, Sonic comes across a creature who is as fast as himself. So, in order to protect his title as the “fastest thing alive”, Sonic challenges Road Runner to a race.

The Race: Both racers are attacked by their arch-nemeses, Wile E. Coyote and Dr. Robotnik (a.k.a Eggman), who have set a number of traps along the path. However, one of Coyote’s traps, a catapult, backfires and he is launched off a cliff and crushed by a boulder, while Sonic quickly defeats Robotnik and his robot army.

The Winner: Road Runner, as Sonic gets distracted by a giant floating ring that warps him to a bonus level, only to fail at getting the Chaos Emerald.

Yoshi vs. Chocobo

How it would happen: Tired of playing pack-horse to the heroes of their respective games, both Yoshi and Chocobo decide to make their mark in the video game world by competing against each other in a race.

The Race: Both Yoshi and Chocobo have to choose a character to carry on their backs, to prove that they are not only the fastest, but the strongest. Chocobo selects Cloud from Final Fantasy VII, while Yoshi chooses Baby Mario, who weighs less than the adult version.

The Winner: After casting haste, Chocobo takes the lead over Yoshi, who then decides “screw this” and hops in his Yoshi Kart and zooms past the yellow bird.

Flash vs. Quicksilver

How it would happen: It did happen, in the Marvel vs. DC crossover extravaganza.

The Race: It would probably be too fast to see, but it would look a little something like two really fast blurs.

The Winner: No one is quite sure, we think they may have ran so fast they ended up in the future.

The DeLorean vs. Ecto-1

How it would happen: After breaking into the Auto Show, a bunch of nerds decide to steal the DeLorean and Ecto-1, and take them drag racing to see which vehicle can claim domination as the 80’s coolest car.

The Race: Speeding up and down the highways, the Ecto-1’s siren blaring, and cops chasing them along the way.

The Winner: The DeLorean, which reaches a speed of 88 miles per hour, sending the driver back to the moment he stole the car in the first place, creating an infinite time loop.

The Batmobile vs. The Gadgetmobile

How it would happen: A mysterious murderer leaves a trail of victims from Gotham to Metro City, and both Batman and Inspector Gadget race to find clues. Who will prove to be the world’s REAL greatest detective?

The Race: As it is a crime investigation, it’s really a race to see who will get to the next clue first. The winner gets to kick the crap out of the evil villain.

The Winner: Dick Dastardly, who turns out to be the murderer, along with his dog, Muttley, end up sabotaging both the Batmobile and the Gadgetmobile by cramming a banana in the exhaust pipe, peeing in their gas tank, and rigging up explosives to the break pedals. After finally coming to terms with their differences and deciding to work together, Gadget and Batman perish in the explosion, and Dick and Muttley and crushed to death under the weight of the debris.