Beautiful People

June 29th, 2010

Ah, beautiful people. Beautiful, dumb people. You will be the end of us all.
You see, dear readers, there is now a website which pushes a strict ban on ugly people. Initially it was simply a dating website, but recently they opened a section for a virtual beautiful people sperm bank. Managing director has this to say: “Every parent would like their child to be blessed with many fine attributes, attractiveness being one of the most sought after,”

Now, say you’re a guy, and you connect with a woman who wants your seed. The site will then tell you how to proceed with the donation. But the problem is, the world needs ugly people. Think about it. If we didn’t have ugly people, who would be the villain in movies? Who would be the people who don’t procreate because they could never get a date thus keeping populations somewhat in check? Who would procreate with another ugly person to make sideshow freaks? Who would we spy on in Wal-Mart? What would the WWE do for wrestlers?

For the love of God, if ugly people didn’t exist, there would be no Lemmy! No Lemmy equals no MOTERHEAD! No, my friends, ugly people are needed. If the world was filled with beautiful people, movies would suck, music would be terrible, morale would be low and eventually we’d stop breeding and the Earth would die and all we’d leave behind for the aliens would be Justin Timberlake CDs, movies starring Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and not a single heavy metal band. You’ve been warned…