Hipster Bears

May 13th, 2010

In a sad attempt to stay current and appeal to “the kids” a group of television writers tried to pitch an updated version of the Care Bears cartoon designed to appeal to the 18-34 demographic. These “Hipster Bears” were supposed to emulate and essentially pander to the young arbiters of taste, so-called hipsters. The result was Hipster Bears and the proposal for the cartoon was about as well-received as Poochie’s appearance on The Itchy & Scratchy Show.

Let’s take a look at the proposal for this Hipster Bears cartoon and see where things went horribly, horribly wrong.

The setting: Hipster Bears living in a mythical forest where rivers are comprised of PBR and Macbooks and Italian Disco 12”s grow on trees. Instead of espousing values like caring, empathy and compassion like the original Care Bears, these Hipster Bears champion a whole new set of values. These values include feigned apathy, genuine apathy, and inflated sense of self-importance, complete self-absorption and a finely attuned appreciation of irony. However, some forces conspire to threaten the Hipster Bear’s utopian bubble. These are listed below.

The natural enemies of the Hipster Bears include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Women who have appeared in any of the Girls Gone Wild videos.
2. Guys with goatees that work in marketing and say things like “I work hard, but I play harder” without a trace of irony
3. Anyone who has ever lifted a beer in the air and bellowed “SPRING BREAAAAAK!!! WOOOOO!”
4. Guys in Tevas and cargo shorts that are so intimately acquainted with the Dave Matthews Band catalog that they refer to Dave Matthews simply as “Dave.”
5. Anyone who has ever voluntarily participated in a “pub crawl” especially if said pub crawl has taken place on St. Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo, Mardi Gras or any of the other amateur hour type party nights.
6. Anyone who wears Ed Hardy and patronizes bars that offer bottle service
7. The entire cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore
8. Ryan Seacrest

Indie Band Bear

Indie Band Bear is easily recognized by his epic beard and his threadbare madras button down shirt. Despite practicing questionable hygiene and maintaining only intermittent employment as a barista, Indie Band Bear has managed to have an inexplicably hot and financially stable girlfriend. In fact, the hotness of his girlfriend is inversely proportional to how often he showers. Actual research grants have been awarded to scientists trying to determine if the smell of skunky PBR combined stale sweat is a bona fide aphrodisiac. It’s probably best not to mention that Pitchfork gave his BIG IMPORTANT BAND’s last album a 3.2 within earshot of Indie Band Bear.

D.J. Bear

Upon hearing your favorite song, DJ Bear will invariably roll his eyes and tell you he prefers music that isn’t “so over-produced” or something equally condescending. Don’t even bother asking him to play your favorite song, he won’t play it. Why? Fuck you, that’s why. He has managed to make a living out of plugging his iPod into a PA system and for that alone he is probably among the smartest and most enterprising of all the bears. He once dumped a girl for failing to place his Jack The Tab album back into its sleeve. Come on, if she doesn’t respect his records, how can she ever respect him? Although DJ Bear knows all of the lyrics to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man,” he will carry that secret to his grave.

Intellectual Bear

Intellectual Bear can be recognized by her ironic haircut and desperate need for constant validation. She fancies herself the next Godard and loves showing off the latest film editing equipment her “investors” have provided. She will fail to mention that her investors have names like “Mom” and “Dad.” While the other bears have worries about things like making rent or paying the phone bill, Intellectual Bear worries that the image of an exploding television in her latest short film doesn’t effectively communicate the demise of the bourgeoisie. Intellectual Bear is the target of constant threats of the fathers and brothers of Art School Bears who have posed for her “daring” celebrations of the female form.

Art School Bear

Art School Bear can be recognized by her daring choice of outfits which can only be described as a convergence of bad patterns and tragic color schemes. In art school, this bear is delighted to learn that there are so many mediums to communicate her hatred of her father, whether it’s through oil paint, video collage or in more extreme cases, menstrual blood. Although Art School Bear receives a healthy allowance from her parents, she craves an “authentic” experience and chooses to live in rough neighborhoods because the people are so “real.” Despite the fact that the song “Holiday in Cambodia” is over 30 years old, Jello Biafra could have easily written it about Art School Bear.

Doesn’t Have A Drug Problem Lion

DHADP Lion, a Hipster Bear Cousin, can be recognized by his hollow cheeks and constant sniffling. Let’s be clear about something, Doesn’t Have A Drug Problem Lion definitely has a drug problem. According to DHADP Lion, asking new acquaintances if they can spare a bump of coke is considered a formal greeting. He will pull out a 20 bag among mixed company with the same casual air as one might reach for an after work cocktail. In ten years and when he has burned every possible bridge in his personal and professional life, DHADP Lion will reach the step in his recovery program where he has to call old friends and acquaintances and make amends for the time when he stole his friends’ record collections to pay off his coke dealer. This will be uncomfortable and embarrassing for everyone involved.

Vegan Bear

If there’s one thing Vegan Bear loves doing, it’s reminding you that he is vegan. God forbid you forget for 5 minutes that Vegan Bear is vegan. Anyone who has the misfortune of dining out with Vegan Bear has to endure an interminable ordering process where he uses Gestapo-like interrogation tactics on the waitstaff to ensure no animal product get near his precious Seitan medallions. Vegan Bear is not above making the waitperson fetch boxes of ingredients from the kitchen so that Vegan Bear can inspect the label, thus ensuring Vegan Bear’s food gets spit in. When raging drunk, Vegan Bear has been known to wolf down a few slices of pizza, and no, that’s not soy cheese.

Blogger Bear

Blogger Bear likes to dole out cheap shots and criticism towards the art, music and films painstakingly created by her peers. However, Blogger Bear never seems to offer these opinions to anyone’s face instead opting for the comfortable space behind her laptop. Unfortunately, Blogger Bear will get the last laugh when her tumblr consisting entirely of mean-spirited pictures culled from the internet gets a 350,000 dollar advance from HarperCollins so it can become the next novelty book stacked next to the check-out counter at Urban Outfitters. This will cause every MFA candidate at the Iowa Writer’s Workshop to commit mass suicide.

I-Don’t-Care Bear

As the name suggests, IDC Bear exists in a crippling cloud of smug apathy. When conversing with IDC Bear, be comfortable with the fact that everything you like is totally five minutes ago. That bar you like with the cheap happy hour and the pinball machine? It doesn’t have enough obscure beers for IDC Bear’s discriminating palette. Excited about the new Hold Steady record? Don’t say that to this cuddly contrarian because he’ll just tell you the band jumped the shark 3 albums ago. Perhaps IDC Bear is on to something since it is much easier to just disagree with and belittle everyone rather than develop an actual opinion. IDC Bear can be identified by the constant grimace paired with a perpetual eye roll.

Scenester Bear

While Scenester Bear is annoying to hang out with, she’s a really good Bear to know since she is on every guest list in town. Pictures of Scenester Bear are frequent editions to party picture sites like Cobrasnake and LastNightsParty. Given the amount of drinks consumed and body parts exposed, these pictures effectively preclude Scenester Bear from seeking public office or even obtaining a respectable office job. Until the day Scenester Bear hangs up her dunks and grows out the lines shaved into the side of her head, SB makes her living promoting DJ nights. “Party Promoter” doesn’t sound like a real job, so everyone just assumes she sells drugs.

Spoiled Frado Bear

Spoiled Frado Bear is easy to spot, in his expensive 70’s vintage clothing and riding a Vespa his parents bought him. They also pay for his loft apartment and the two years he previously spent in University studying sociology before he dropped out to go collect his non-thoughts. He was employed at American Apparel for a few months and managed rent on his own, but quit because working there was “too commercial.” Secretly, he was just annoyed over not being selected to model in one of the print ads.

illustrated by Jennifer Herd